UPDATES
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MY RANT:
Alright, this rant is basically about how I'm taking my break-up with my ex-boyfriend. Choose to read it if you want...
I just can't draw very well when there's a lot of shit on my mind, and there is. So I decided to post my rant about the main thing that's on my mind and making me not feel like myself; the breakup between me and my ex.
You don't really have to know what's going on to understand how I feel. What I wrote is pretty understandable. Again, you don't have to read this! It's just me venting! I decided to vent here where I KNOW he won't see it. I didn't post this in hope of him reading it either, by the way. I don't ask for your sympathy, and I'm not asking for advice (although, if you have any, I'll accept it) I just want to get this out there and I'm hoping that, by writing my true feelings down, it'll help clear my head and make better art. Here we go...
To be honest, I still do bare strong feelings for you, Jordan, and I guess it can’t be helped if you don’t feel the same way about me anymore.
I mean, sure I guess you can say that I haven’t quite gotten over it, and I think it’s a shame that we weren’t able to work things out and that it didn’t turn out how we would have wanted it but, to put it bluntly, shit happens.
“When one door closes, another door opens”. I’m not sure if I’m ready to step through that “open door”, or if I even want to, but eventually I guess I’ll have to and just accept the truth whether I like it or not.
Lately I’ve been trying to see the whole break-up as a good thing, but so far no good for me has come out of it.
Everything reminds me of you and it sucks. It’s hard to try and not love someone when they’re constantly on your mind and old memories of them keep haunting you in your sleep.
It’s hard for me to wake up and remember that I’m no longer with you, that it’s over, that I can’t ever kiss you, be in your arms, or ever love you the same way again.
I’ve been told to look at this as a learning experience and that it’ll be better next time. I’ve been told “you can do better, Dany” but I don’t want anyone better. All I want is you and that’s the sad, stupid truth.
It’s painful for me to see other couples, to know that while other people are happy I remain miserable. I find it stupid that no matter how many times people have told me that I shouldn’t be friends with , that it’ll be like “digging my own grave”, and that in the end I’ll just get hurt again, I STILL find myself talking to you and trying to find any possible way to be with you even if it means getting hurt.
I’ve always been like that. Stubborn, naive, and emotionally unstable. Maybe part of the reason I keep managing to hurt myself is because I’m so accident-prone? I’ve been thinking that maybe I’m just meant to get myself hurt…
With you I’ve broken so many rules. Even though I wasn’t allowed going out with you or anyone until I was 16, I STILL went out with you. I’ve been late for class many times just because I wanted to spend time with you, I missed Rise Against and Rancid in concert just to SEE you, I even went downtown with you even though I wasn’t allowed to go there, and for what? Nothing in the end.
I remember when you told me that you wanted to go out with me and that you could wait until I was 16. Well I guess you couldn’t. I wonder what would have happened if you HAD waited though.
You had mentioned before how you weren’t “satisfied” with some things like how you grew tired of hardly ever being able to see me. Well, for one thing, that’s what you would expect if you’re “waiting” until I am of age to date. So of course there were restrictions, but you couldn’t have waited one more month, could you?
I was looking forward to spending my birthday with you, the one person I cared for the most in this world, and I was also looking forward to many other things, such as Valentine’s Day… but I won’t even talk about that.
In closing, I still want to try to work things out and I’m hoping that one day we will go out with each other again (as pathetic as that sounds) and I think that about covers it.
Sorry (for those of you who chose to read this) that you had to read all that XD
but I have to say, I'm feeling slightly better now...
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